I am Shattered...

Staying in Baguio for 2 days is great specially if you have your friends with you. In my case, I've spend it with my 1st year students and co-faculty. It's fun and at the same time, very tiring. But nothing can beat my frustration just now.

My all-out effort to drive my husband to be more sweet and compassionate to me was slammed with one statement from him.

"Magiging sweet ako sa iyo kung kelan ko gustong maging sweet. Tapos!"

That statement crashed my heart a million pieces that I can't help but cry. I cannot believe that the man I've chosen to marry and be with me 'till the rest of my life gave me this statement. I tried to be as calm as I can but I started to break down. 

Surely, my effort was taken for granted and he doesn't want any of it at all.

I thought that if I could be sweet to him, he will eventually learn to be sweet too.

I thought that if I'll be the first one to say "I love you", he'll learn to say "I love you" back

I thought that if I will give him sweet nothings, he will also learn to do the same thing to me.

But in the end, that statement summarizes that all the things I've done are all annoyances to him.

Am I taken for granted?

That question bothers me up until now. I can't think well and I'm so lost. Even if we already talked about it and he's sorry, I can't mend the wound that is here with me. I know that he loves me more than anyone in the world but he lacks action and affection on how I will fee that love.

He is what he is.

My husband would buy things that I need rather than the things that I want. He bought me a 500GB external hard disk but not a single love letter. He bought me a watch but he never tell me how much he misses me. He even never shed a tear on the night before he left to Thailand! 

I never asked for anything than his time and attention. I never asked for any money from him, I have my own job! I only want to hear sweet things from him. He's always casual, so emotionless when chatting with me. He is always stressed and busy in work and sometimes, I can't feel that he's with me.

After days of thinking, I've decided that I should play the game he plays. Someday I'll try to be stronger than he is. I will not say sweet words unless he wants too and would care less about him from now on. 

Let's see where this decision can bring us. I'm so much in pain now....but I guess I'm also a great pretender.

Lost and Found

I remember an email dated 2007 that ended with the words "you disappoint me." Words that signifies a personal decision to end a friendship and banish a person whom I've learned to trust and respect. Who can blame me? He broke our hearts by his childish, most unearthly deeds! 

It was never easy to orient myself that he's totally out of the picture. His name is like a curse! Just hearing it makes me shiver in hate! I cannot believe that I was so innocent....so kind... so stupid to ever think that he can be a good family man! For me, he is a perfect inspiration gone bad.

I held this grudge in my heart for years. I never answered his emails, chat or calls. He tried several times to make things better again but I refused to respond. I don't know if it's pride, but I certainly do not wish to be ever connected to him again.

Call me idealistic, but that's the way I am.

Then a surprise came. I saw a man standing in our office waiting and waving at me as I do my speech in front of my class. I was stunned, but as I look at him I said to myself, "Yes, there he is. The man you've learned to hate."

It was totally awkward to see him. His usual voice and smile shows that nothing really changed. He came to me asking how I've been and how he missed us all. He opened his arms for a hug but only a few words came out of me with a frown. "Why are you here?"

Surely, he want to ask for forgiveness and he wants to get his friends back. He gave a stuff toy and tons of chocolates as peace offering. Looking at it, it shows that he still know the brands I prefer. Maybe that's what friendship brings. Even if years have gone by, friends still knows what their friends want.

After discussions, I realized that forgiveness is just around the corner to grab. He has been lost and now, he is found here with us in the Philippines where he belong.

It's so nice for the soul to forgive. But let me just remind everyone that I'm not the kind of person who forget. Our friendship will never be the way like it was before but at least, we were able to save it. I give thanks to him because if not because of his guts to face me again, this reunion will never be possible.

Nice to see you again.... :)

Half Moon Resurrection: Don't Move

I woke up breathing deep with tears in my eyes
My heart is beating fast with fear consuming my very soul.
I looked at my window and relieved from a dream.
But somehow I know, it might be real.

I'm scared in a world where I can't breathe.
In a world where you are, and where you sleep.
Of people who call your name while I'm here,
I fear of them and I know I am weak.

Don't move! I beg of you! Please don't look at them.
Don't go anywhere where I can't find you...please just stay!
Wait for me! Oh I promise! I'll be there!
Please don't move! Just love me everyday. :(